The ReiQueer Pod Episode #4: My Coming Out Story & The Acceptance Myth

Queerness decontextualized is a game of spot-the-difference. One thing is not like the other, and that thing is you. 

As a teenager, watching parents throw coming out parties for their kids was basically science fiction to me. There wasn’t a question of what will they do when they find out, but moreso how much time do I have left before the inevitable. 

In episode 4 of The ReiQueer Pod, I share my coming out story and how I arrived at what I call the acceptance myth, which I understand to be a hybrid of a way of life and a cautionary tale.

For me, being accepted was simply never an option. Realistically, my choices were: blend in or lose it all. Now, I do have the privilege of getting the choice to decide whether or not to acknowledge or disclose my queerness. I can walk down the street at night in fear of being attacked for being a woman or being Black… but never for being queer. For that reason, I was able to mask my queerness; it became a sometimes-shameful secret that I eventually grew to love and even feel protective over.

My time in a visibly queer relationship affirmed yet targeted me in ways that I had yet to experience. It was this very target that took the hardest hit by the hands of my own family. There was no one in this world to whom I was more disappointing, more soiled, more … strange. 

Queerness divorced from sexuality is oddity. bell hooks, of course, said it best: “‘Queer' not as being about who you're having sex with (that can be a dimension of it); but 'queer' as being about the self that is at odds with everything around it and that has to invent and create and find a place to speak and to thrive and to live”.

Once the facade slipped, and there was no more truth to uncover, the chasm created in the chaos provided so much of a divide, yet also so much room to dive head first into the shamelessness. 

In the absence of the fear and anxiety, and the resolute understanding that acceptance would not be in the cards for me, seeds of pure light began to grow, watered only by true and consistent love from both inside and outside of me.

My battle with shame, I feel, had been won the moment I was able to understand the preciousness of the queer experience.

Until next time,

Chloe, The ReiQueer ✨